It Still Hurts

It's been exactly 4 months since I lost my Kaitlyn. I am in so much pain today. It feels like everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I just don't understand why I'm not one of them. Why are they more deserving then me? I really hate feeling this way. I don't want to forget about my 3 angel babies, but I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't wanna hurt anymore.

The 10 Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person

I came across this article this morning and thought I would share.

The Ten Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person
1. I know how you feel.
Even if your child died, you can't know how I feel, because every person and situation is unique. If you want to share how you felt when you experienced a loss, that's fine. But bite your tongue if you're ever tempted to compare two people's grief.

2. How are you doing?
Many people use this greeting out of habit and aren't prepared for an honest reply. A much better greeting is simply "It's good to see you." If you truly are prepared to find out how a grieving person is feeling, try to use specific questions such as: "What was the hardest thing you've had to face this week?" or "Have you been able to have a good cry lately?"

3. Look on the bright side. It could have been much worse.
Yes, it's true that others have had to face worse. And even though a bereaved person could probably find a dozen reasons to be thankful if hard-pressed, you needn't try to force them to be cheerful. Sadness is the normal, healthy response to the death of a loved one.

4. Call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Few grieving people will ask for help because they are usually too overwhelmed to assess and prioritize their needs. Friends should offer to do something specific and remember to get permission before taking action.

5. At least we know it was God's will.
While it's true that God allows bad things, this statement is insidious because it implies that He intentionally plans them in order to punish or teach us. It's not God but the enemy who deserves credit for evil and its completely irrational results.

6. Don't worry; you're young. You'll get on with your life.
A loved one who dies is not replaceable. Having another child can ease the pain of a secondary loss (such as the loss of an occupation, in my case, since I was a stay-at-home mom when my only child died). But parents will mourn the primary loss, a relationship with that child, for as long as they live.

7. Aren't you happy your child doesn't have to live in this sinful world anymore?
Although we have a blessed hope that the separation of death is only temporary, happiness won't be realized until the great reunion. If parents were meant to care only for heaven and nothing for this life, then the happiest parents would be those whose babies are stillborn, right?

8. Don't talk that way. You know better than that.
The ability to safely express doubts, questions, and anger is crucial in the healing process. It's perfectly natural for grieving persons to wonder why God didn't step in and overrule in their particular situation. Allow them to wrestle through this difficult issue and question the One who says in Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, let us reason together." He can sooner help a person who expresses these feelings than one who buries them beneath a guise of unquestioning acceptance.

9. You must be really strong. I'd die if that happened to me.
What you perceive as calm strength is more likely the numbness of shock. You may be surprised how many grief-stricken people pray for God to let them die, too. Death would be a welcome relief, and many have briefly considered suicide. The last thing they need is for someone to imply that they are disloyal for trying to make the best of the life they have.

10. You should be over this by now.
Grieving for a child is a lifelong process, not a weeklong event. The only way to get "over" it would be to forget that child, an unhealthy alternative to grief known as denial. Life will eventually seem worth living again, but it will never be as it once was. Too much has changed.

Made It Through The Holidays

The holidays are now over. As suspected it was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had good days, I had bad days, but I made it through. I still have my nights where I can't seem to sleep. I still have moments of great sadness and I can't do anything but cry. I still have moments when I get so angry at what happened to me. I get angry at the people that do have babies and continue to have babies. I wonder why they deserve it more than I do. These moments happen less and do not last as long as the days and weeks pass. Though they still hurt just as bad. Putting my thoughts more towards the Foundation and what I can do to help others is helping tremendously in my healing process. I would recommend to anyone that is hurting to try to help someone else. There honestly is a healing power in doing so.

How Long - 1 Month

So it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake...again. Today made 1 month since I lost my baby girl. Such a sad day. I cried off and on for most of the day. I tried to be strong. Tried to focus on all the positive and good things our Foundation is going to accomplish. It would help for a little while, but then I would just get sad again. My doctor's office called and asked me to come in. I went. The nurses there are wonderful. They were all very concerned since they hadn't heard from me. I told them about the foundation and they all think it's great and want to help. Even my doctor said he could make a couple calls for me. It's so great to see people that truly care. I was also told that there had been nothing wrong with Kaitlyn. My Dr. said they also checked the placenta and all was fine there too. He said a bacteria infection had caused my water to break. This brought on very mixed emotions as well. I was glad that there wasn't anything wrong with her and I was glad that there wasn't something keeping me from carrying a child. Since this is my 3rd miscarriage and all. (Not sure if I mentioned that before) It was also good to know why this happened to an extent. What was horrible is to know this was most likely something that could have been prevented or treated. Then I could still have my baby inside me right now. As my eyes fill up with tears at this very moment, I know I shouldn't think about things that way. It's just so hard not to. I don't know how to control it. Not yet at least. People keep telling me it's gonna take time, it will get easier. Seems so far off. Just when I think its getting better, something triggers my emotions. It could be a movie, a song, seeing or hearing of someone else being pregnant....again. That's all it takes and I'm either sobbing with hurt and sadness or so mad and frustrated which eventually turns into tears as well. How long is this going to last? How long before I can picture Kaitlyn in my head and my eyes not fill up with tears? How long before my heart doesn't literally feel like its tearing in two?

Getting Foundation Up And Running

We are now official! Our first event will be a memorial service at Harbor Medical Center (the hospital where Kaitlyn was born) in Baltimore, MD for families that have lost a baby this past year. Date of this event is not yet determined. We are very excited to work with Harbor Medical Center to provide this service but we need your help.There is no amount too small and all donations are 100% tax deductable. For those of you that have already donated, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Please help spread the word so we may continue to help others. There are a few ways that you can help. 1. You can donate directly to the foundation. You may do so by going to our website www.kaitlynmaefoundation.com or by clicking on the donate button to the right.  2. You can purchase anything from my Avon website www.youravon.com/dkimball. 50% of all proceeds will go to the foundation as well. Thank you so much for all the support. We will keep you posted.

Wonderful Support

This post goes out to all the wonderful supporters out there. I have recieved numerous messages from people around the country that have experienced a loss similar to mine. Your stories are amazing and it means so much to me that you have shared them with me. The more stories I hear, the more it motivates me to really get this foundation going. There are so many people at there that need help and will need help in the future. Please share this blog with everyone you know. We really need some financial supporters to get this foundation rolling so we can begin to help those in need. I know with your help we can really make a difference in these people's lives. Thank so much.

Danielle Kimball

The Kaitlyn Mae Foundation

My husband and I have been talking about starting a foundation to help others who experience a loss such as ours. We want to be able to provide support to those in need. It's important to recieve the proper counciling if needed, which we have seen other foundations assist with. What we want to do in addition to that is a little different.
We were told at the hospital that every year they would hold a memorial service for everyone that lost a child there that year. There was a plaque made for the child and put in the courtyard for parents to visit anytime they wanted. We thought this was a great thing to do. We were then told it was not done last year due to lack of funds. The nurses were determined to have it this spring even if they had to fund from their own pockets. This made us so sad.
We were also given the option to have Kaitlyn buried somewhere and of course have a funeral if we wanted to. This was not really an option for us due to lack of funds as well.
Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemey. The last thing someone needs when dealing with this sort of tragedy is to have to make hard decisions about their baby and have money influence their final decision. This is what we want to help with. We first want to make sure the hospital can continue to offer this memorial at least once a year if not twice. I'd like to gradually spread this to other hospitals and help them to do the same. We also want to help families with funeral arrangements if that is their desire. We want to help with planning as well as with finances if they are in need.
We are very serious about starting this foundation as soon as possible. We can not wait to help others that are in need. We don't want anyone else to go through what we did. Anything we can do to help ease the heartache with these families, we are willing to do.

I want to know your thoughts. I know I have some readers out there. Please give me your thoughts and ideas about starting this foundation. I wish we could start right away. Finances are going to be our main issue getting started. We are  going to need major help. What can we do to get the ball rolling? Please help us. Thanks so much for reading and may God bless you and your family.

2 Weeks Past

It's been 2 weeks since I lost my Kaitlyn. I don't cry everyday now. I still think about her everday though, especially at night. I still have times where I tear up at something and that is still hard to deal with. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I just bawl. Sometimes the entire birth just runs through my head. I can picture and feel everything. The memory is so clear. I lay there with tears rolling down my face and wish I could get it out of my head. 2 seconds later, I'm praying I never forget. Christmas is just around the corner. I wish she was with me. Sometimes I put my hand on my belly and wonder what I'd be feeling today if she were still there. I'm trying so hard to be strong, for myself as well as for my husband. I don't want to make things harder for him. He is truely my best friend and I am so blessed to have him. That's all for now.


Dont need an angel on my christmas tree, i already have one in heaven looking down on me this Christmas... I love you Kaitlyn.

1 week

It's been exactly a week since I gave birth and lost my baby girl. All I can say...it hurts.

"Just because I can't speak.... doesn't mean I have nothing to say."

Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

5 Days Later

Yesterday went better than expected. I had a nice quiet thanksgiving dinner at home alone with my husband. We spoke of Kaitlyn a few times. Each time I got choked up and we changed the subject. My Husband started his own blog as well. He wrote a beautiful story. It made me happy to see him writing down his feelings and seeing how much he cares for me and Kaitlyn. I cried the whole time I read it.
I'm enjoying this time with my husband. I got lucky with this being a holiday weekend with him being able to stay home with me. I am however worried about when he goes back to work on Monday and I will be home alone. Gonna have to keep myself busy. I was attending cosmetology school when I was put on bedrest. I'm going to return in the spring. Hoping to get another job soon. That will help for sure. Although, I am a little nervous about being around people. Sometimes new people you meet can be the worst. Trying to get to know you, asking all the personal questions. Seems like "Do you have kids?' always seems to be at the top of people's list. How do I answer that question?

Thanksgiving Day - Missing My Angel

So today is Thanksgiving. It's been 4 days since I lost my little angel. I'm trying really hard to keep in good spirits and remember all the things I have to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband that has been my lifesaver through all of this. No way I would survive this without him. I also have family and friends that are trying real hard to be supportive. Even so, all I can think about right now is my baby girl. I don't understand why this had to happen. I should be feeling her kick inside me right now. Instead, she is gone. It's an unbelievable heartache like no other. I know I will get through this day, but it wont be an easy one. Hope all of you have a safe and happy holiday.

Kaitlyn Mae Kimball

Kaitlyn Mae Kimball was born Nov. 21, 2010 at 10:30am. She was 9 inches long and weighed 8.7 oz. By 11:00am she had died in my arms. Kaitlyn was only 19 weeks gestation when my water broke. Less than 24 hours later, I had delivered her into this world. A world that she couldn't survive in. I am in so much pain right now over the loss of my baby girl.
I will take you back to the events that led up to this day, as well as my journey through this grieving process. My hopes are that this blog will not only help me with my own healing process, but that it will help someone else as well.