1 week

It's been exactly a week since I gave birth and lost my baby girl. All I can say...it hurts.

"Just because I can't speak.... doesn't mean I have nothing to say."

Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

5 Days Later

Yesterday went better than expected. I had a nice quiet thanksgiving dinner at home alone with my husband. We spoke of Kaitlyn a few times. Each time I got choked up and we changed the subject. My Husband started his own blog as well. He wrote a beautiful story. It made me happy to see him writing down his feelings and seeing how much he cares for me and Kaitlyn. I cried the whole time I read it.
I'm enjoying this time with my husband. I got lucky with this being a holiday weekend with him being able to stay home with me. I am however worried about when he goes back to work on Monday and I will be home alone. Gonna have to keep myself busy. I was attending cosmetology school when I was put on bedrest. I'm going to return in the spring. Hoping to get another job soon. That will help for sure. Although, I am a little nervous about being around people. Sometimes new people you meet can be the worst. Trying to get to know you, asking all the personal questions. Seems like "Do you have kids?' always seems to be at the top of people's list. How do I answer that question?

Thanksgiving Day - Missing My Angel

So today is Thanksgiving. It's been 4 days since I lost my little angel. I'm trying really hard to keep in good spirits and remember all the things I have to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband that has been my lifesaver through all of this. No way I would survive this without him. I also have family and friends that are trying real hard to be supportive. Even so, all I can think about right now is my baby girl. I don't understand why this had to happen. I should be feeling her kick inside me right now. Instead, she is gone. It's an unbelievable heartache like no other. I know I will get through this day, but it wont be an easy one. Hope all of you have a safe and happy holiday.

Kaitlyn Mae Kimball

Kaitlyn Mae Kimball was born Nov. 21, 2010 at 10:30am. She was 9 inches long and weighed 8.7 oz. By 11:00am she had died in my arms. Kaitlyn was only 19 weeks gestation when my water broke. Less than 24 hours later, I had delivered her into this world. A world that she couldn't survive in. I am in so much pain right now over the loss of my baby girl.
I will take you back to the events that led up to this day, as well as my journey through this grieving process. My hopes are that this blog will not only help me with my own healing process, but that it will help someone else as well.